Relationship expert Laura Bozarth of YourTango
says that regardless of how attractive, successful or happy they
appeared on the outside, most women suffer from the "good girl
syndrome."
According to Bozarth, pop-culture word
these days is all about the BOSS LADY, but many boss ladies who are
bossy at the workplace and really successful, suffer from
people-pleasing and self-sabotage in their relationships.
She
says no matter how liberated women become, it's still socially
ingrained in them to play the good girl role and do the “right” thing.
the inside, but act pleasant on the outside people-pleaser and the
avoidance people-pleaser. The latter avoids true social interaction or
closeness in their relationships, because they’re worried about saying
or doing the wrong thing. This leads to isolation and loneliness. The
”say yes and pretend it’s okay" people-pleaser becomes angry and will
often lash out at the wrong person or circumstance. Regardless of the
type, these patterns have disastrous affects on relationships and block a
feeling of true self-empowerment.
For many women the good girl syndrome keeps them in a place of indecision.
She
can’t decide things because she’s afraid of doing something wrong. Even
the boss ladies by day are sometimes indecisive in their personal
lives. They won't leave a bad relationship or set boundaries when it’s
appropriate.
Commitment becomes a big issue with women in the good girl syndrome.
They
either over-commit themselves or avoid commitment altogether. This
stems from the inability to create true boundaries and practice healthy
levels of self-care. Don’t you notice how many stressed out superwomen
there are in our culture?
All of the
people-pleasing and letting go of their own power in situations where
their boundaries are weak, leads to a guilt complex. They feel they
should want to please others, but on the inside, they want to have more
control of their time and interests.
This guilt quickly makes way for anger and resentment.
Surprisingly,
this anger gets targeted towards other women. You see this all the time
— women get jealous of a woman who is her own person and does what she
wants at any moment. That kind of freedom is offensive to women who trap
themselves in a cycle of anger and resentment all in the name of trying
to display perfection.
Study after study shows us
that as girls get into adolescence, their self-esteem decreases. Some
women are able to break this cycle and push forward to success, but many
women live with the sense that they aren't good enough to have what
they really want. It's amazing how many times I ask a woman what she
wants and she's unable to answer because the thought of actually
desiring something and being able to have it seems somehow selfish.
Then
a woman gets to a point where she rebels, she gets so tired of being a
good girl she will swing the pendulum the other way and make decisions
that aren’t always good but feel like freedom, like over-eating or
getting involved in dysfunctional relationships. This comes from a lack
of true self-love and self-care. You don’t know how to give yourself
what you really need so you look for something external to make you feel
better, even if it’s not healthy. That means jobs that don’t fit you,
relationships that don’t work and a life that you feel uncomfortable in.
What can you do to end the self-sabotage of your good girl syndrome?
- Practice extreme self-care, meaning do what feels good for you, even if it feels guilty at first. Create healthy boundaries and realize it’s okay to say no. Start knowing your worth not just at your job, but also in your romantic relationships. Don’t settle for less just to have a man or because you’re so desperate to have a family.
- Reach out to a support group where you feel comfortable being yourself. Many good girls will isolate themselves, which feeds the cycle of perfection and self-sabotage. You need to find a group of people to behave freely around without feeling guilty or worried.
- Watch the way you speak to yourself and about yourself. I had a nasty habit of always apologizing for everything I did or prefacing my opinions before stating them. This not only made me feel awkward in social situations, it made it difficult for other people to relate to me because I was never being myself.
- Start focusing on what you want. Not what your husband or boyfriend wants, not what your parents want, or your boss. Ask yourself what you want and visualize what would feel good to you and focus on achieving that. Make one small decision each day. Even if it's as small as allowing yourself five minutes to do a breathing meditation or splurging on that cupcake. Just one moment where you get what you want, and don’t feel guilty about it. You'll find that these small changes will equal big shifts over time and that good girl who's been running the show for so long will take the back stage to a happier, confident and guilt-free version of you.
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